The funeral and the eulogy for my good friend.

Firstly let me say that I’m so happy that they didn’t serve him up like an oyster on the half-shell. Because viewing the dead seems barbaric to me. I would prefer to remember someone alive. And happy. Not with that pale mask of death and the blush on.

His wife approached the podium and thanked everyone for attending. Then she told the story of meeting me for the very first time. Which I recall. My ex and I owned some property up near the Wisconsin Dells and we had invited them for the weekend. I wanted to get a look at the girl he was going to marry. She said she was scared shitless of me. That she had always assumed that men gauged all their relationships with women on their relationships with their Mothers. But not Eric. His belief in women revolved around me. This, I did not know. And it was touching.

So she added that I greeted her warmly and gave her a hug. And that I then whispered in her ear, “If you ever hurt my boy? I will hunt you down like a dog and kill you.” The room exploded in laughter. And since the marriage lasted over twenty years? My words must have meant a little something. And then it was my turn.

Like walking the green mile. I hate public speaking. But this was for him. So Barbara just left and let Max take over. I had some notes. I walked, slowly, to the podium and greeted his friends and family. I said “Good Afternoon friends and family of Eric. Anna, thanks for the nice introduction. (Then a nice long pause.) But enough about Eric. SUCH an attention whore. Let's talk about something that really matters. Let's talk about me.” A zinger always helps. “No. Seriously. He has to up and die? And then has the nerve to put me in this position?! Damn. And now I have to picture you all in your underwear? Holy crap! Some of you are old as shit! It isn't pretty people!” Roars. Even his very straight laced mother was in hysterics.

“As many of you are aware, I was Eric’s first girlfriend. Except for that time in Boy Scout camp. But I promised him I would never mention that. So shhhh. I first met him when I was 15 years old. He was a year ahead of me in high school. I thought he was dreamy. He didn't even notice me. Bastard. Then one day I was sitting a field outside of the school reading Plato. And he approached me. He saw what I was reading and said, "Wow. That's some heavy shit." I asked him if he had read it. He said no. But he thought philosophy was kind of pointless. I asked him why he thought that. He said, "Does anything really mean anything." And I was hooked. He also went on to add, after we spoke for a while, perhaps the best thing anything has ever said to me in my entire life. He said, "You know, I don't care what anyone says, I like you." Kismet, I tells ya.”

“We became very good friends. We dated. But there was always an understanding between us that our friendship precluded romance. And I appreciated that. I truly did. It was such a safe place to be.

We dated on and off for several years. But the times I recall him best are when we were both caddies at the private country club in LF. They would give the caddies an hour of play before the golfers got there. I improved my game just by watching him. By the end of the summer I was under 100. Thanks to him. The patience he showed was magnificent. Even after I accidentally hit him in the face with a nine iron. As he was wiping the blood off his lip he said, "Fore!" Now that’s a pro.”

“My Dad actually liked him. Which was most unusual. He hated the boys that came after me. Took me years to realize the reason why. Dad was a young man once. He knew. But he knew Eric was different. He knew Eric was a stand up guy. He even once said to me, “That kid is okay.” Trust me when I tell you that was about the highest praise my Dad ever offered up to a boy he knew was probably trying to make me. Really. He even drank with him a few times. Taught him about scotch. And the relationship was mutual. Eric respected my father. And admired him. And when my Dad died, Eric was inconsolable. I remember calling him to say it was finally over. And he just burst into tears. A man that can cry like that? Does it really get any better? Does it? I don’t think so.”

“When my Dad’s memorial took place and the six bagpipers (yes – I know) played “Amazing Grace”, Eric was the very first person to explode with tears. And his tears brought mine on. And god damn if I didn’t need that to finally happen. His allowing his feelings to flow allowed mine to. Poor Dad had been gone for two months and I hadn’t cried. Not once. But Eric gave me the gift of feeling my grief. And he did that more than once for me.”

“Eric was the godfather to my only child, Nina. And no child ever had a better friend. I remember how she once said to me, “Uncle Eric plays too rough!” He hugged her too tight. He loved her too much. He thought she was the most perfect child on the planet. And told me so. Many times. It was as though she was his own. He even changed poopy diapers when he was around! And when Nina lost her battle with sickness, oh. There are no words for the pain we mutually shared. And yet through that pain, there was the joy of having the privilege of knowing her and loving her. And one year later Josh was born. Josh, your father was perhaps the best man I ever knew. I watched him raise you. You were everything to him. When your Dad first got sick? His very first words to me were, “What about Josh?” I told him you would be fine. And you are. You’re your father’s image. If you ever need anything? Anything at all. I’m here for you. “

“And Anna. Sweet girl. You have the gift of Eric in your son. And your soul. I would have loved to dance at your 50th anniversary. But the gifts he gave all of us will remain right here. I know he loved he you. He was one picky mother fucker.”

“And in closing, I would like to say that I imagine a day when we all enjoy a banquet of good food, good drink, good conversation and great story telling. I don’t believe in God. I don’t believe in heaven. But I believe that our souls meet again. And again. And to meet Eric’s soul again will be the sweetest moment ever. I thank you.”

And Max got a standing ‘O’.