An E-mail to a good friend

I actually left the house of my own accord. Alone. A little frightened. But I just girded my loins and did it. I went to see Carol J. at Il Covo. She's been getting hate PMs from her soon to be event there. I wasn't down with that. I wanted her to know I still loved her and had nothing to do with that nonesense. I'm getting a little sick of the hatred on Yelp. She doesn't deserve to be treated that way. And I would NEVER suggest that anyone treat her that way.

As I was leaving, fella was just getting home from work. The look on his face was priceless. He was SO fucking pleased to see me doing something. He was beaming! He said, "What the fuck is up?". I said, "I'm going to go see Carol at her place." He asked me if i wanted him to come too. I said I was ok. I don't think I've seen him quite so happy in a long time. He was really pleased. He asked me about three times if I was sure I was up to it. And I insisted I was.

So I let three buses pass me by. I was seriously considering just going back home. And suddenly... I got mad. Why the fuck am I hiding? Why am I letting this hold me down? Why? And the answer came.... because you allow it. If there ever was a moment when the sun broke through the clouds and angels sang? This was my moment. It was beautiful. I felt myself suddenly rise up. Pride. Pure pride. And no fear. Just this moment of total understanding of how bad this has been. And how I just couldn't let it continue.

I got on the next bus. I was nervous. I felt unsteady. Honestly, I thought about getting off the bus and just going back home several times. But the voice in my head wouldn't allow it. I KNEW I had to go. I had to take my life back. Even if it was just by degrees.

Every stop was a baby step for me. The bus driver told me I looked good. Asked if I was going on a date. That helped. I told him I hadn't been out of the house on my own in a couple of months. He said, "Honey, a woman like you should be out all the time." Heh. Black men. Gotta love 'em.

I got off near her place. I stood outside and smoked a cig. And then... I walked into her place. She fed and watered me. We talked. The owner of her building came in. A young man. About your age. We started talking about stuff. I told him about my mad poker skillz. (I'm an excellent reader of tells). I told him what his tell was. He was impressed. Turns out they have a monthly poker game upstairs. And he invited me to the game. !!!

Max is back. Maybe only a little bit. But she's here. She's here. And she's alive. And she's glad to be. And you know what else? Fuck them. Fuck the haters. I'm more powerful than any of that shit. I'm not going to let this rule my life. I'm not. I will choose my own fate. No one chooses it for me.

I've been in the deepest, darkest place I've ever known. I actually considered death a few times. I don't think I knew how bad this really was. It was like watching a movie. And I was in it.

But not anymore. So... I'm here. I'm here. And god damn it. I'm glad to be here. I'm going to take my time to notice how beautiful life can be. How flowering trees make me happy. How the smell of spring makes me feel alive. How walking with a strong and steady gate makes me feel powerful. And how places like Yelp mean nothing in the long run. I'm all I really have.

And losing myself was killing me. But not anymore. I'm a fighter. I'm a fucking boxer in the 12th round. Broken, bleeding... but still punching. It's going to take more than that place to put me down for the count. I might be on the ropes. But I'm not finished. No one knocks me down.

So... I'm done with you Jeremy. I'll continue to call you a cunt. But I'm checking out of your heart break hotel. Do what you wish. And I'll do the same.

I'm guessing I have a far better life than you do. I have people who love me. Who understand me. And who are able to forgive me when I fail. You are nothing. Less than nothing. Power is a woman. It's true. Power is a woman who disallows you to disrespect her. So chew on that.

And on this. My Dad was a boxer. I have some pretty fierce ways of protecting myself from evil men. It ain't gonna happen again. Never again.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iHqNhZXtM_c&feature=related

Max