A Very Stupid Woman Part IV

“ANNOYANCE #3

You talk to us as if we're one of the guys.

If you have any romantic inclinations toward us, please don't call us by our last name. Otherwise we'll assume we've already been relegated to buddy status and start thinking of you that way, too. Also, you'll rarely find us holding entire conversations in Simpsons and Old School quotes.

Similarly, we don't talk in numbers the same way men tend to. We're happy to see evidence of your improvements at the gym, but we really don't need to know how much you can bench-press. We also couldn't care less about your day rate, the price of your car, or the number of beers you once shotgunned in college. And fantasy-league anything will make us flirt hard with the waiter. No, the conversation doesn't have to be all about us, but we do want you to shoot for topics of mutual interest.”

Oh. I see. Being treated as an equal is offensive to you? No woman could posibly be interested in fantasy-league anything? I forgot. We’re wilting flowers who know nothing about sports or cars or Simpsons or Old School or numbers or how proud our guy is of his numbers. Right. Okay. I’m getting the vapors. I may need to go lay down on my fainting couch. Wherever are my smelling salts?

Sister, flirt away with the waiter. You need a gay man to be your friend in the worst way. He might just set you straight on this subject.

“ANNOYANCE #4

You speak of the future vaguely.

Men seem to have perfected a special way of talking about the future that makes it unclear whether we're a part of it or not. Or maybe you don't know you're doing this? For instance, you frequently mention your buddy's wedding in another state 6 months from now and you haven't asked us to go with you. Or you have a month long international business trip coming up but haven't asked us whether we'd like to come for a weekend visit. If you picture us in your future, try talking about these things in such a way that we'll stick around for it.”

Okay. This one is pretty damn easy. He doesn’t love you. He’s there for the sex. Get over it. Get a clue.

Go ahead, talk to him about the future. The dust trail should be tremendoulsy amusing.