Helen gave me a call today. She’s been reading the blog. As usual, she spoke rather plainly. Five years with someone will do that. Honesty can be a real pain in the ass when you’re not quite ready for it.
She said, “What are really angry about?”. I said, “I’m angry about the theft of my work.” She said, “Bullshit. Pure bullshit.” “That’s not what’s hurting you Barbara.”
I got cocky. As is my want. And said, “So what do YOU think it is about?” A come on friend, bring it. Just bring it. Fucking bring it already.
She spoke softly and said, “You got raped again. By a website this time. It has no face. It has no voice. It has no name. But it took your power away and you’re feeling it all over again.”
And then I began to cry. And cry. And cry. And I’m starting to let this really go. Not just say it. But feel it.
The woman gets it. I wonder why so many others do not.
Life can be a total crap fest. Sadly. People will kick you when you’re down. People will lie about you. People will use you. People will try to make you feel like shit. Understanding their motives is meaningless. I believe that in the long run… the understanding of your own self is what really matters. Why let others rule your life?
Only if you let them. Take it from Max. Don’t let them.
It’s hard to recover from being treated as if you’re nothing. As if your life has little meaning.
My life has meaning. I am a woman of both heart and mind. And nothing – and no one can take that from me.
And I'm still here. I'm STILL HERE. Nothing will make me lay down and die. Not a word. Not a comment. Nothing. I'm here and I'm glad to be here. If I give one person a voice? I've done what I need to do.
Women and men who have been raped are told to shut the fuck up about it. It's disturbing. Hell yes it's difficult to hear. But your voice is all you have. Name it! It wasn't a mistake... it wasn't your fault... It wasn't fucking "date rape"! Rape is rape is rape is rape.
Get mad. Take it back. No person deserves to feel constant cosmic pain because of someone who hurt them.
We are a part of something. What that is? I cannot name it. But I believe we have the ability to be kind. To be caring. To make ourselves a part of the world.
I want to think my being part of the world means something. I want to think any of us who love people and want to help them means something. I may be wrong. But I don't think I am.
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4 comments:
We all leave our mark on this world,in one way or another. If that is a positive or a negative is up to each person.
You can dance in the light or lurk in the darkness, the choice is yours.
You my dear have hid for far too long,come out,into the light. Many will hold and aide you, if you let them.
There are still many who want the world to be a loving ,caring place. It is time we take it back from the haters and naysayers.
Let the haters hate. I choose to love.
Kindness is sexy. Always.
wow....powerful words. This definitely struck a chord with me and made me think about why I am the way I am.
Spot on. Thank you.
OK, let me just say that I second Kelly on the powerful words. AND that you have a great therapist. Mine just sat there after I told her a story and then we'd have a staring match. So very helpful. The more I dig into your blog... the more I find it's sort of theraputic for myself and admire your bluntness and attitude.
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