Hello. How are you this fine day? Me? I’m so glad you asked. I’m better now. MUCH better. So, thanks for the inquiry.Firstly, let me tell you a few little something’s about myself. I am a woman of enormous appetites. An avid lover of all things good. I love me my smarty pants. I am an ardent fan of good film. A devotee of literature, fine and sometimes not so fine, but that’s how I roll. I am political. I am a democrat who supports Obama. And I make no bones about it. Me likey martinis! If there’s a better show than “Family Guy”, bring it. Seriously. If I do say so myself, I’m a fabulous cook. I’ve got mad search skillz. I can do a Rockett kick. And I will seriously kick your ass if you disrespect me. So there’s that…

As the days unfold I’ll be telling you a very ugly story. It’s filled with intrigue, betrayals, ugliness, drinking the Kool-Aid, trading out self-integrity for a couple of free glasses of wine and approval from insipid, vapid, stupid, like thinking fascists. It’s about sex, lies, and cyber sex. It’s about affairs between married men with women they troll for on-line. It’s also about self-righteous priggy fat girls who seem to feel entitled to bring up their religion every damn chance they get – who also like to post about things such as stubbed toes (yes you read that right), banging pipes (and not the sexy time kind), and the need to find food, food and more food and then whine about how much they weigh. Oh, it’s also about sluts who sleep with anything walking and talking, general douche baggery, something called flaggots (flaggers – long story). It’s about the over usage of LOL, OMG, OMFG etc.

It’s also about the high minded supportive friends and finding out that yes, Virginia, there is a class system on the internet. But first you may want to read something I posted on Yelp that was taken down. One of the almost 400 reviews I wrote. For free. For free. So get ready Yelp. You’re going to be my bitch very soon.Here’s my review of Playboy Enterprises. Enjoy.

01/18/2008Kick back and relax. I have a story to tell you. It's about my childhood. And its eventual, inevitable spin into debauchery. My sister and I were fascinated by Playboy Magazine. Have you've ever seen a deer in the headlights of your car? That was us. Every time we saw the cover, a strange and unusual interest came into our little eyes. It creeped the hell out of my Mother. Dad found it highly amusing. Bless his heart.One weekend we came from the north shore to stay at my Dads club downtown. Mother had retired to the suite with a headache. Dad took us to the magazine stand. The old fashioned kind. Huge, dark wood, simply beautiful. I can almost smell it. He said we could both get one thing we wanted. My sister asked for Teaberry gum. I asked for a Playboy. Dad looked down at me, smiling. Not missing a beat, he requested the gum and the Playboy. I was six years old.We went back up to the suite. I remember the elevator boy laughing as I clutched my treasure to my chest. I was like a kid on Christmas morning. Santa had come. And had given me just what I desired. It was magic.

What makes the memory stand out the most was my Mothers reaction to it. She was furious. I recall the yelling in the living room of the suite. Her saying it was disgusting. Him saying it was natural. Her countering with how she wouldn't have that rag near her. Him saying there was no way in hell he would let his daughter not take an interest in sex. Sex? What's sex? I had no idea.But the pictures were pretty. And it was one of the best gifts I ever got from him. Thanks Dad. Thanks so much.

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So put your feet up. Make a cocktail. And get ready for Maxie. She's here, she's slightly queer. And she's gonna rock your world.